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Tuesday, 1 August 2017

No excuse

First of all thank you for all who have recently been in contact asking if I am OK as it has been such a long time since I last posted a blog. Where is the year going, as checking the last post I wrote was in April and so much has happened since then!!!!

What with rearing goat kids, some mother reared, some bottle reared has taken a lot of my time up combined with decision making of my future. This has ultimately created a delay in posting not only because of time, but also because of the emotional upheaval in making life changing decisions. Because of this the garden has taken a back burner simply because of time, but also because of lack of incentive as my life had as I previously had said had become an existence without Sara being here to help with the workload. There simply is not enough time in the day and getting up pretty much before 5am and not stopping for something to eat until well after 8.30pm has not been good for me mentally, but more physically and I have never had so many colds in the last 8 months, which I put down simply to working too much. lack of sustenance and exhaustion.

At last I managed to get Sara's headstone ordered and delivered. I don't know how, but I managed to position it myself dragging each part with a barrow trolley up the full length of the cemetery was a task in itself let alone setting it in position. Still I think I did good and I think she would be pleased with it.

My mum and sister came over in May to visit, mum's being her first ever visit and it was so good to see her, but when they returned back to the UK my father was hospitalised with pneumonia. This exasperated the situation of feeling alone and helpless as, one I could not get to go to see him because of the animals, but more so, two, in that Grace had decided to chew up my passport. I now have a new passport which is now out of harms way in the safe.

Anyway enough of this waffling as there are more pressing matters for me to talk about and explain which are very hard to put into words as it is so easy for people to judge wrongly, but here goes.

Grief of losing one so close affects each and every one of us in different ways and each of us deal with it in our own way. I truly think that life experiences throughout ones life can help deal with it if used correctly.

For me it would be an understatement to say I have had my ups and downs in life as for me personally I feel there were more downs than ups, but hey ho I have realised it is important not to dwell on the negative, but try no matter how hard it is to look at the positive and this has helped me over the last eighteen months. Marrying Sara was the biggest up for me and the lowest down was losing her, but to dwell on the negatives is like holding a magnifying glass to the sun with a piece of paper beneath it. It will eventually smoulder and ignite and then burn out and holding negative thoughts is the same, it cannot go on forever without a negative result. So as with the magnifying glass a slight readjustment to the paper will not burn and with a slight mental readjustment to trying to be positive on what we had and no matter what, that those times with Sara cannot be brought back, has helped me move on.

It has not only required mental readjustments, but readjustments to my life as well. There have been times where I was prepared to move back to the UK, but I did not. I felt by leaving I would be letting Sara's memory go and not living our dream, but I now realise dreams are a perception of life. When Sara was alive this was our dream, but over time I have realised it is no longer my dream without Sara. The house I am in was mine and Sara's and no matter what I cannot maintain it myself and try to preserve what we had together. There are so many times I think Sara will just appear and so it is all too easy for me to potentially push myself towards negative thoughts. Those appear for sure when I am overtired and so being here alone is a vicious circle, trying to keep it going as though both of us were here, equals overtired, equals negativity. It is not that I have to move on, but I need to, to continue my life journey without Sara, other than in my heart and the fond memories I have of her in my mind and to now live a new dream.

With tears streaming down my face I now feel it is time to close this chapter of Sara's blog as a final chapter in her memory and say a fond farewell to those of you who have helped and supported me through my journey over that last eighteen months. You have helped me no end and there are not enough words that I can put to paper to show how much you have helped me. Family and close friends have been there too and I truly do not think I could have made it without that support, not saying what I should do, but just being there. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So now I am now in the process of the house being sold and things are being packed up ready for me to move on down a new road of my journey, to a new place still in Bulgaria, a new dream, but with Sara still in my heart.

God bless you my darling Sara