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Tuesday, 1 August 2017

No excuse

First of all thank you for all who have recently been in contact asking if I am OK as it has been such a long time since I last posted a blog. Where is the year going, as checking the last post I wrote was in April and so much has happened since then!!!!

What with rearing goat kids, some mother reared, some bottle reared has taken a lot of my time up combined with decision making of my future. This has ultimately created a delay in posting not only because of time, but also because of the emotional upheaval in making life changing decisions. Because of this the garden has taken a back burner simply because of time, but also because of lack of incentive as my life had as I previously had said had become an existence without Sara being here to help with the workload. There simply is not enough time in the day and getting up pretty much before 5am and not stopping for something to eat until well after 8.30pm has not been good for me mentally, but more physically and I have never had so many colds in the last 8 months, which I put down simply to working too much. lack of sustenance and exhaustion.

At last I managed to get Sara's headstone ordered and delivered. I don't know how, but I managed to position it myself dragging each part with a barrow trolley up the full length of the cemetery was a task in itself let alone setting it in position. Still I think I did good and I think she would be pleased with it.

My mum and sister came over in May to visit, mum's being her first ever visit and it was so good to see her, but when they returned back to the UK my father was hospitalised with pneumonia. This exasperated the situation of feeling alone and helpless as, one I could not get to go to see him because of the animals, but more so, two, in that Grace had decided to chew up my passport. I now have a new passport which is now out of harms way in the safe.

Anyway enough of this waffling as there are more pressing matters for me to talk about and explain which are very hard to put into words as it is so easy for people to judge wrongly, but here goes.

Grief of losing one so close affects each and every one of us in different ways and each of us deal with it in our own way. I truly think that life experiences throughout ones life can help deal with it if used correctly.

For me it would be an understatement to say I have had my ups and downs in life as for me personally I feel there were more downs than ups, but hey ho I have realised it is important not to dwell on the negative, but try no matter how hard it is to look at the positive and this has helped me over the last eighteen months. Marrying Sara was the biggest up for me and the lowest down was losing her, but to dwell on the negatives is like holding a magnifying glass to the sun with a piece of paper beneath it. It will eventually smoulder and ignite and then burn out and holding negative thoughts is the same, it cannot go on forever without a negative result. So as with the magnifying glass a slight readjustment to the paper will not burn and with a slight mental readjustment to trying to be positive on what we had and no matter what, that those times with Sara cannot be brought back, has helped me move on.

It has not only required mental readjustments, but readjustments to my life as well. There have been times where I was prepared to move back to the UK, but I did not. I felt by leaving I would be letting Sara's memory go and not living our dream, but I now realise dreams are a perception of life. When Sara was alive this was our dream, but over time I have realised it is no longer my dream without Sara. The house I am in was mine and Sara's and no matter what I cannot maintain it myself and try to preserve what we had together. There are so many times I think Sara will just appear and so it is all too easy for me to potentially push myself towards negative thoughts. Those appear for sure when I am overtired and so being here alone is a vicious circle, trying to keep it going as though both of us were here, equals overtired, equals negativity. It is not that I have to move on, but I need to, to continue my life journey without Sara, other than in my heart and the fond memories I have of her in my mind and to now live a new dream.

With tears streaming down my face I now feel it is time to close this chapter of Sara's blog as a final chapter in her memory and say a fond farewell to those of you who have helped and supported me through my journey over that last eighteen months. You have helped me no end and there are not enough words that I can put to paper to show how much you have helped me. Family and close friends have been there too and I truly do not think I could have made it without that support, not saying what I should do, but just being there. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So now I am now in the process of the house being sold and things are being packed up ready for me to move on down a new road of my journey, to a new place still in Bulgaria, a new dream, but with Sara still in my heart.




God bless you my darling Sara



    

22 comments:

  1. I am so happy you have made this decision. I thought that this place was a dream only two people could follow. I know you will be happy again living a dream that one man can have and follow. Good luck and my prayers go with you.

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  2. Sara would want you to move on, of that I am sure. Wishing you all the best for the next chapter in your life, and hope that you find a well earned peace.

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  3. I have checked in many times to see how you are doing. It was with a lump in my throat that I read this post. You are doing the right thing and what Sara would have wanted. She wouldn't have wanted you to struggle and make yourself ill. You have to make your life easier on yourself. Sometimes making the decision is the most difficult bit. I wish you all the luck in the world with your future venture.

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  4. I hope your health soon improves and best wishes for the next chapter, I will miss news of the goats.

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  5. So glad to read a post from you. I think you are doing the right think and Sara would approve. I hope your new journey will bring you peace and happiness. Maybe, one day, you will blog about your new life. Take care.

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  6. Dear Dave
    Like others here, I have been worried, as I saw your house up for sale. I have been looking for myself, and only realised it was your house for sale when I recognised the beautiful elephant that you have hanging above your bed. I had hoped that all was ok with you.
    I didnt make it to Bulgaria this year due to poor health, but I am already planning a trip with my best friend, who is Bulgarian in May next year.
    Wishing you lots of luck and a return to happiness with your move, and like the previous writer, I hope that one day you will return to sharing a blog as you are really good at it.
    Best wishes always
    Michele from Somerset

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  7. P.S. You shared the photo of the elephant on a previous blog

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  8. Thinking of you as you move on to a new chapter in your life. Huggs xx

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  9. when you lose the love with whom you were travelling in life then you will go a different route and have different horizons. I wish for you peace and eventual happiness. Teresa

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  10. It's so very sad that Sarah didn't see 60. Her grave is beautiful Dave. I hope you get a buyer for your house soon. You need to do whatever is best for your health. Thank you for sharing your life with us since Sarah has passed. As others have said, you are a good writer and an interesting resourceful person. I wish you well and hope life brings you peace and contentment in the future.

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  11. Dave love. I wish you all the very best for the next chapter in your life. Sara will travel with you in your heart and in your memories.

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  12. I wish for nothing but the best. You must do what is needed for your own survival and as others have said, Sara will be with you always, in your heart and the many memories you created together while creating your dream. Good luck and best wishes. You have given it your all. It's time for a change. Ranee (MN) USA

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  13. I admire you Dave the way you are able to pick yourself up and let go of the negative things in your life. I know you have mad the right decision and nobody can take away your memories. Life goes on as they say. Here's to the next chapter. xx

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  14. And so begins a new chapter, with hope and the possibility of a happy ending. Because you should be happy, don't ever feel guilty about that. I am sorry not to be able to eavesdrop on your life in future, but grateful that you have shared with your readers such intimate feelings, not many people could or would have done this. Enormous best wishes for your new beginning.

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  15. This blog comes up as "New Start, New Life in Bulgaria," and so I'm cheering you on for your next chapter. I know this has been been very difficult for you, as it would be for all of us. Best wishes for your future, from Minneapolis.

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  16. Good Luck you are doing the right thing ! X

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  17. In a way, it's so sad to see you moving on ... as you (both) where living my dream.

    But ... it's the way life is. And it would be incredibly egocentric of me to whine.

    You must live yours and I completely understand the need to open a new chapter and not be bogged down by the Dream that is now missing one of the corner pieces/bearing pillars. (I felt much in the same way after my divorce. I had to re-orient myself and accept that "our dream" wasn't fitted for me alone.)

    I wish you all the best – a great new chapter, and all the GOOD memories. And you'll always remember – you got to live that dream, with her, for some time.
    Selma, Norway (- a smallholders daughter, with a smallholders mind stuck in computer work.)

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  18. I read this with a lump in my throat. I wish you all the best:healing and happiness and much love. "God moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform He plants His footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm". Greetings and adieu from Anna

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  20. Dear Dave, this is the 3rd time I’ve replied to your post,my others don’t seem to get through,so here goes. What a difficult decision it must have been for you but from your post it sounds like you have made the best decision for you, the positivity shines through. I wish you all the very best but sincerely hope you will find a way of letting us all continue to follow your progress in this new phase of your life. Sara’s grave is a testament to your love for her & a real labour of love with all that back breaking work to install the headstone. The very best of wishes to you, take care of yourself as I’m sure Sara would have wanted you to be cared for.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Linda - like everyone else, thank you for your kind words over the last 18 months and support during a very painful period of my life. All in all life is good here with much to do in the run up to the cold winter months. Having moved to a new location here in Bulgaria there is much to do with the house, let alone the garden as the house has basic electrics, no indoor loo and a wood burning shower unit along with one tap for water. All the animals have moved successfully and settled in. The goats are now going out each day with the goat herd whilst the weather is good as the grazing area around the village is better than where I lived before. My old house has now been sold which avoids a 40 minute drive on a weekly basis to ensure everything is Ok, but I do miss my neighbours over there, but have made new Bulgarian friends here in the new village although having a chat is limited as I still have not got to grips with the language at the moment. Still next year once there is more time, back to intensive weekly language lessons. It does not seem like nearly four and a half years that I have lived here so renewing my residancy at the start of next year is a priority to enable me to stay on here in an amazing country where life itself is more important away from the rat-race back in the UK and where buying non-essentials take hold of your life. Take care and maybe when time allows I may start a new blog in the future.

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  21. So great to read an update from you Dave, we think of you often. Wishing you all the luck in the world and contentment in your new home x

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